let go and let God

I had an appointment down at UCSD this week with the mitochondrial specialist.  To be honest, I went in thinking it would be a waste of time, feeling like there really wasn't anything we would get out of the appointment.  My symptoms feel like they have stabilized with dare I say it... even some of my energy returned.  I have been doing a great job at adapting to this new lifestyle and doing an even better job and just ignoring that I'm sick and just living my life.  It's working out pretty well for me so far... until I try and do something I used to be able to do.  We parked in the parking structure and walked quickly into the hospital.  I had to go to the bathroom so bad I didn't care how much energy the speed walk would take.  I barely made it to the office without feeling like my legs were going to give out on me which made me realize, once again, I haven't actually gotten any better physically.  I have just slowed down and not made many outings without my chair so when I think I have more energy it's just that I am saving more energy. This has given me more stamina to get through the days which help trick my mind into thinking I am improving.  Whatever works, right?
Once we saw the doctor and nurse practitioner we received some of the results from recent {6 month ago} labs.  Good news was I don't have some crazy disease they thought but that meant the big answer is still a mystery.  The doctor tried explaining about the genetic mutations that showed up in the tests and what they mean which seemed to make a little sense so I nodded my head and when he left the room our nurse practitioner {whom is super awesome} gave us a much better explanation.  Next step now will be to do some nuclear testing.  {Not as in nuclear weapons} They are thinking that the mitochondria are diseased because of a problem in my nucleus.  This will most likely result in another muscle biopsy in the near future and hopefully a nice clear answer.  Guess what though, the mutations I have are extremely rare.  Less than .2% and .1%.  There aren't too many other people walking around out there like me, or rolling around.  This does however make diagnosing and a prognosis very difficult.  This is where my awesome nurse practitioner gets even more awesome.  She told me how from the very beginning their goal is to keep me comfortable, treating each symptom and making sure I live my life to the best I can.  They also want to get as many answers as they can for the sake of our kids.  She told me that this is where I need to let go and let God.  God brought my children into this life for a reason and it is not my job to stress everyday and watch over them like a hawk.  {Anthony must have told her I was doing this}  The added stress will make me worse and there isn't any good that would come from it.  They are constantly making new advances in medicine daily.  It has not frozen and we have so much hope for the future.  I cried a little at this point, we talked a little more and then we left.  Faith, Hope and Love is something that we will NEVER lose!!!  I know I said this before but I have so much good stuff going for me.  I am grateful for every single day!