My mind doesn't work like most peoples so when someone tells me that today will be the best you'll be and tomorrow you'll only get worse, I don't listen. There is something in my mind that blocks that noise and shoots it right back out my ears. But last week, on that car ride home, a little bit of that voice snuck in. So as we were driving home I told Anthony how much I wanted to do the things we used to do. I said I was going to and I didn't care about the consequences. He gently told me that I just can't do it right now and because I knew this, I cried. I tried to hold it in so I stopped talking. Otherwise it would have come full force, tears, unintelligible voice, the snot, all of it. Anthony looked over and asked if I was crying so I nodded. He grabbed my hand so I looked out the window, as if that was going to stop me. It didn't. I cried. Hard. Wiping my tears with the back of my hand saying it just wasn't fair anymore. I really don't feel like I did anything to deserve this so why me? There, I said it. Why me? I want to play. People don't even realize the amount of energy they take for granted.
You probably don't think twice about planning out your day according to your energy level. I have to think twice about when I am going to go to the grocery store because after that, I'm spent. If I want to go to Target... I need to pick a day where nothing else is planned and the next day will be slow so I can recover. I want to have swimming races with my kids. The other day I swam across the pool and it felt so good. The kids swam with me and half way back I wasn't sure if I could make it all the way. These little reminders that I'm not physically strong are starting to wear on me.
We will just have to do things a little differently. We went on a little family walk the other day and this is how it looked.
Just a little different now.
I couldn't be more grateful for my husbands love and the care he provides.
Maybe it's foolish of me to keep the amount of hope that I do but it's what I choose. It's what gets me through the day, knowing that I really can wake up tomorrow and feel better, completely better. Because with Him, all things are possible.