a "why me" moment

On the way home from our date last week I had one of my moments where I wished things were different with my health.  It's been over 3 1/2 years since I have been able to run around on the beach.  Its been over 3 1/2 years since I have been able to go for a long walk.  Its been over 3 1/2 years where a day doesn't go by and it's not on my mind.  As we were driving down the coast with the windows down and warm air blowing through the car I wanted more.  I really feel like I have accepted the disease and am grateful for all that I DO have but last week, I wanted that walk on the beach holding my husbands hand.  I wanted to walk around just like the thousands of other people were but the truth is, I just can't... YET.  I keep waiting for my prayers to be answered and all my energy and strength restored but each day that passes I can feel something sneak in me.  I'm not losing hope but I am realizing that maybe I won't get better.

My mind doesn't work like most peoples so when someone tells me that today will be the best you'll be and tomorrow you'll only get worse, I don't listen.  There is something in my mind that blocks that noise and shoots it right back out my ears.  But last week, on that car ride home,  a little bit of that voice snuck in.  So as we were driving home I told Anthony how much I wanted to do the things we used to do.  I said I was going to and I didn't care about the consequences.  He gently told me that I just can't do it right now and because I knew this, I cried.  I tried to hold it in so I stopped talking.  Otherwise it would have come full force, tears, unintelligible voice, the snot, all of it.  Anthony looked over and asked if I was crying so I nodded.  He grabbed my hand so I looked out the window, as if that was going to stop me.  It didn't.  I cried. Hard. Wiping my tears with the back of my hand saying it just wasn't fair anymore.  I really don't feel like I did anything to deserve this so why me?  There, I said it.  Why me?  I want to play.  People don't even realize the amount of energy they take for granted.

You probably don't think twice about planning out your day according to your energy level.  I have to think twice about when I am going to go to the grocery store because after that, I'm spent.  If I want to go to Target... I need to pick a day where nothing else is planned and the next day will be slow so I can recover.  I want to have swimming races with my kids.  The other day I swam across the pool and it felt so good.  The kids swam with me and half way back I wasn't sure if I could make it all the way.  These little reminders that I'm not physically strong are starting to wear on me.

We will just have to do things a little differently.  We went on a little family walk the other day and this is how it looked.

Just a little different now.
I couldn't be more grateful for my husbands love and the care he provides.

Maybe it's foolish of me to keep the amount of hope that I do but it's what I choose.  It's what gets me through the day, knowing that I really can wake up tomorrow and feel better, completely better.  Because with Him, all things are possible.