Our pastor said, "God works in our lives through difficult trials to accomplish His purposes and bring us to a mature faith."
I'm expecting to become extremely mature very soon.
My mitochondrial disease continues to get worse, yet I haven't been able to see the specialist since last June. We are still awaiting a biopsy result that should have been done by December (for the December appointment that never happened) but unfortunately the order was never put it by someone. Meanwhile, my muscle weakness has progressed to the point that I can't do a single sit up. I tried so hard. I used every muscle I had, tried willing myself up and still... nothing. A few minutes in the garden cutting vegetables caused so much pain in my legs that it took four days to recover. Crazy!! The muscle pain I felt from that was similar to the pain I had after walking in the Breast Cancer 3 Day. Just from a couple of minutes of straining.
Trials are to be expected.
The disease is progressing, I can accept that. I try to push forward but when we look back and realize that a year has passed and we have missed out on so much we lose hope. A lot of hope. Hope is what keeps me going but when there are no answers, no cures and no improvements what do I have to hope for? A miracle? Yes. A miracle.
"Trials defined: Hardships which God either permits or causes in our lives to accomplish His purposes, if we respond in godly obedience." So instead of saying, "Why Me?" I need to say, "What are you trying to teach me?"
I received a letter from insurance with two denials for care and one very large bill because somehow authorization for something had never been submitted. So they leave the bill in my hands. All because one person didn't not do her job... again.
Joy is to be our response. And it is my response because I know that I am not in control. Obviously. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone. God's plan is to be trusted and that is what I am doing. I am trusting that good will come from this.
Wyatt's ENT has said that she needs to preform a procedure where she goes into his throat to see what is causing him to have such severe episodes of croup as frequent as they are and as old as he is. She speculates that his coracoid is malformed but needs to go in and see. I have been putting this off for a year now but with the three most recent episodes he had, ending us in the ER, I know it is time. I just can't bring myself to put him through any unnecessary testing and especially putting him under anesthesia. That is my biggest fear. I know I need to trust in Him but as his mother it is so hard to do that.
When I feel like I can't take anymore, I am shown that I can. I am handed a child with a horrible case of the stomach flu. This is one thing I cannot handle. At all!! It has lasted five days!!! And just when I think how funny His timing is and we are going to survive, another child wakes up with a tummy ache and fever. Seriously??!!! I keep telling Him I CAN'T handle this. I really can't and for some reason I keep getting trials thrown at me and for some reason I do get through it. It leaves the days dark and the nights long and all I have is hope that we will pull out of this.
Count it all joy when you fall into various trials. james 1:2 I live my life in joy and will continue to live my life in joy. There is so much beauty and love that surrounds me daily and I couldn't be more grateful for it. Yes, I have been handed some icky trials but I will grow from them, I will learn from them and apparently I will mature from them :) I am so grateful for every part of my life.
There will be rain but there will also be sun and some days... there will be rain and sun together!
You know what happens with rain and sun? Rainbows.
