I wish they were twins

I know most people will think I am crazy to say I wish my kids were twins but I do.  You see, I am a twin and so is my husband.   My kids are 2 years apart and they get along very well but I feel like something is missing.  

I want them to be best friends the way I am with my twin and my husband is with his.  I want them to be able to go to each other to confide in and I want them to protect each other from this big big world.

I want them to know each others thoughts, to want to hang out with each other when they are older and talk to each other daily.  I want them to have that special twin bond.

I always had a built in best friend.  I always had someone to sit next to on the bus and someone to eat my lunch with at school.  Throughout high school we were even in most of the same classes together.  I always had someone just there for me no matter what.  We often got asked the same question throughout our life... "What is it like being a twin?"  I don't know what it's like to NOT have a twin so I can't answer that.  We also dealt with some more frustrating questions like, does your sister feel this when I pinch you?  Ow, and no.  Why are your arms hairy and hers aren't?  How come you have braces and she doesn't?  Seriously!

We were so close that we new what was always going on with the other one. 

My sister and I are fraternal twins and Anthony and his twin are identical... obviously:

My beautiful sister-in-law and Anthony's twin with us at a wedding a few years ago {we are the couple on the right}

Anthony gets it when my sister and I do "twin" things.  Like showing up to every event in the same outfit, unplanned.  Or needing to talk to each other daily, well, several times a day.  And I get it when we go places and people confuse him for his brother.  I love that this is something we share.  

I am secretly wishing for my daughter to have twins ;)  How great that would be! 

Simple things like this

Warm October nights

Eating dinner outside

The family together

Crisp air in the early morning and late night

Clean skies from the mild santa ana winds

Accompanied with beautiful sunrises and sunsets 

Excitement of Halloween quickly approaching

BBQ sauce smeared across his face to remind him how good the chicken was

Grateful for the food we have 

Even more grateful for the love we have

A full tummy wishing for s'mores 

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation"

~Brain Tracy

I am loving every moment of my life and am excited for what the future holds.  With a life so full of love, it can only get better!

Learning in a waiting room

As I sat in the waiting room for my 4 hour glucose tolerance test, I watched the world move around me.  I was really grateful for the opportunity to be forced to sit for the day and reflect.  The most beautiful couple that had to be in their late 90's walked in slowly hand in hand.

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 He carrying her purse and opening the door for her as they shuffled at their snails pace.  It was love.  Love that has lasted for many years.  They had so much love and appreciation for each other.  I look forward to growing old with my husband and pray that we can live that long to enjoy that much life together.  I want to celebrate 70 years of marriage.  Next came another elderly couple that might not have had the same amount of appreciation for each other.

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 He certainly did for her.  You could see his eyes twinkle but her eyes were hard to find in her scowl.  The gentleman would call her sweetie and she would huff and puff with everything.  Out of his mouth were kind and gentle words but hers were, eh? I can't hear ya. Put that away, now's not the time {it was his wallet} What did I already tell ya?  He replied with, Sweetie, we should go to Costco and check out those hearing aids for you.  It made me wonder what they were there for.  Was their marriage always like that or was there an ailment causing him to lose his once loving wife.

The middle aged people that came in were all in a rush.  Never smiled and frowned upon any wait.  I hid myself behind my book for them, I didn't want to get in the way of any cross fire.  Being in a rush just isn't healthy.

The book I was reading was "If You Had an Hour to Live" by Richard Carlson and Kristine Carlson.  It is a true story about life, love and making the most of every minute.  My kind of read!  The first quote in here caught my attention and I wanted to share it. "If you had an hour to live and could make just one phone call, who would it be to, what would you say....and why are you waiting?" The original source was Stephen Levine.  None of us know how long we have to live.  Make sure you are making every moment count and treat life as the miracle it is.  Love and be loved.  Live in Joy.  Be happy.  Yes, I am slowing down physically by the day but I am grateful that I have learned so much appreciation for the love of life.  Make sure that you let all your special people know how much you love and appreciate them, right now.

Stop and smell the roses

Everyday is a beautiful day

Make sure you are making time in your life to stop and smell the roses

Let go of your worries and find your joy

Pick a flower and give it to someone today

Brighten their day

Meet my dear friend Katie

Today you all get the privilege of meeting my dear {real life} friend Katie from minivan diva in our blog swap.  We met a few years ago through our MOPS {mothers of preschoolers} program through the church and quickly became friends with a lot more in common than having kids the same ages.  Katie is who inspired me to start my own blog.

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Hi sweet friends of Karen's! I just love Karen, don't you? I get the privilege of knowing this amazing mama in real life.



I'm blessed.

Karen and I both suffer from diseases. However, we are both determined to not let those body destroyers rob our joy. Thank you for allowing me to share what's on my heart today.

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The word lupus was normal while growing up in my household.

i knew it was the disease that took the life of my young uncle.

I knew it was the reason my kindergarten class drew pictures and made a book for mom while she was in the hospital.

I understood that lupus was why my mom wore a wig off and on through my childhood and could not be out in the sun.

While I was frightened when I returned from a play date in 3rd grade and my older sister told me that "Mom is the hospital", it was still familiar.

When I began having strange symptoms add up from the time I was in elementary school until I arrived in the ER at 16, I knew lupus was entering my life in a new way.

It took 6 years from the day I checked into the ER to get a final lupus diagnosis. I went to one specialist to the next until I was ready to just feel rotten and toss my hands in the air.

But then I met with a family friend who recommended me to the doctor who could diagnose the undiagnosable.

She was right.

He was right.

I had lupus.

And if there is one thing living with a disease like lupus has taught me, it is this...

I can choose to focus on theses facts:

I have antibodies that attack healthy parts of my body.

I take over 21 pills a day.



I have the type of lupus that can attack my organs: heart, lungs, brain...you name it. I could end up on the kidney transplant list like my mom.

These crazy antibodies of mine can go wacky at any moment. I don't know if and when.

Like Karen, I fear that I'll die early. I want to live long and see my grandchildren. I especially worry since my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma (in remission). I worry about who would love our children like we do if one or both of us died early.

I have a bald spot and do a comb over due to meds.



I gain weight due to the meds.

My body hurts. Something hurts all. the. time.

There is depression and anxiety from the disease.

My husband has to be extra patient.

OR

I can focus on these facts:

I have a BIG God who is good.



I am blessed with these 3 cool dudes.








My hubby has been by my side before that day in the ER when I was 16 and never gripes about it.



I have awesome friends.

Life is full of suffering. My suffering is light compared to other's.

Although I would love to be healed from this disease, I have learned from it and I am grateful for the many blessings in my life.



Much love,
Katie

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Thank you so much for sharing your story today Katie.  Love you girl!! Hop on over to her blog here and see my story.

"Hope" is in my stages of grieving

"We are going to do everything we can to keep you comfortable and safe"
"You should get your ducks in a row and enjoy each day"
"Science hasn't come far enough to find a cure"
"Even when we get the results and have a name, the treatment won't change, there won't be anything more we can do at this time"

These are some of the words I have heard in the last couple of weeks from 3 different doctors.  The hope I once had is slowly disappearing.  My physical body is continuing to challenge me daily.

"I'm not going anywhere, I have a job as a mother to finish here first"
"I'm going to travel with my husband and enjoy my life how I used to"
"I'm going to chase after my kids as we play together"

These are the words that I have been saying.  Little do these doctors know who they are dealing with.  I kinda have this idea that if I'm just really happy and provide enough love then only good will come back to me.  So it's in my DNA, whatever.  I can fix that right?  I'm not done here so I WILL fix it!

It turns out that whatever this declining health thing going on with me has something to do with a genetic DNA neucleotide, something [insert large medical words here].  After I see the genetic neurologist through the MDA I will have more information and can fill you in.

I am scared.  I cry myself to sleep at night with the thought of leaving my family behind.  They need me just as much as I need them.  I bargain with God constantly to let me live long enough for them to have their own families and not "need" mommy so much.  We are all grieving right now.  The past 2 years were filled with so much hope but as things progress and the simple fix answers run out, we start to lose some of that hope. I can't walk through a mall without falling or have a conversation without needing to sit down because I get so dizzy and disoriented.  I'm scared that when I am home alone with the kids something will happen and they won't know what to do.

Do I have to face the reality?  I would prefer to live in my own little land of denial being happy and ignoring what is happening.  I feel if I don't accept what is going on then it really isn't going on.  I can sit and dream of how I want my perfect health back but then reality slams itself into my face the next minute.  As soon as I start feeling hopeless, it is quickly replaced with feeling hopeful. Today hope came in the form of 3 different doctors calling, reviewing my case and thinking of what else they can try.  I am excited to see them and see what we can come up with.

I will continue to see the beauty and light in life.  I will continue to smile even when it hurts.  I will give more love than ever.  I will live.

I have HOPE and a lot of it!!

My rock

You are my rock

You are my love

You are my sunshine

You are my everything

Happy Birthday

Here is a video I made from Father's Day
*scroll to the bottom right and hit PAUSE on the playlist

Thank you for your love

Thank you for your support

Thank you for your encouragement 

Thank you for being you and letting me be me

Thank you for... everything!

I LOVE YOU

I went to the nut farm

Wyatt's preschool had their field trip at the pumpkin patch today... the HOTTEST day of the year.  It was 105*  Not to worry though, it was a dry heat so it really only felt like it was 101*

There were oodles and oodles of pumpkins

This was the winner for Wyatt

This was the winner for mama

 

{It's not a real rat}

We escaped the heat for a bit and went into the candy/nut/gift shop before heading home. 

Once we got home we {as in I} were exhausted!  Completely worn out.  Feeling like I just ran a marathon and then delivered a baby.  Did you guys read about that girl?  This may have been my last trip to this farm until I get my health back because there was no running or pushing babies out and I was worked.  It was just a pumpkin patch but I still couldn't hang. We are planning on going to another one next week with Alexis and hoping for some fall like weather but then again, this is Southern California.

I am thankful

I am thankful

I am thankful that my kids wake me up in the morning to show me the sunrise

I am thankful I have a beautiful view of the sunrise from my bed

I am thankful that my kids cuddle with me while we watch the sun crawl over the mountain

 I am thankful for this love

 I am thankful for their bond

I am thankful for their friendship

Finding Him

When I was a child my biggest fear was the dark {it's still kind of is}
When I became an adolescent my biggest fear was being attacked
When I became a mother my biggest fear was losing my child
Today I realized my biggest fear is none of those at all.  My biggest fear is to live with out God.  He is the one in control of my life.  With out Him, I would not be able to get through any of the challenges in my life.  With Him, there is no fear.  He is always by my side.  He is always listening to me.  He is always putting up with me and then forgiving me for being difficult.  He is always teaching me.  He is patient.  He has made my life perfect for me.

I found Him on my own when I was a young child.  My parents were both of different faiths and when they got married they decided to not force religion upon us.  As a child watching my friends dread church, I was thankful but at the same time I was so confused.  I didn't understand ANYTHING about faith.  I was not educated in this area at all and when I would go to my parents they would tell me how different religions have different beliefs.  It still didn't give me an answer because they didn't tell us what to believe.  In their eyes there wasn't a right or wrong.  At some point, I just knew that there was a God. I would sit in my room and talk to him.  I would pretend like he would send me messages in code through books that I read.  The older I became, the closer I was with Him.  He is my best friend who walks with me every moment of every day.  This is a journey I have taken on my own and part of me thinks that is why it is so true.  I have not had other people telling me how it is, I just know.

You've been boo'd

Our neighborhood has the annual tradition of booing each other.  This is where we anonymously drop off a bag of goodies at the neighbors door and then they do the same to another neighbor to spread the Halloween joy.

Here's how it's done:

 First, make sure you have a good supervisor!

 Have the kids create the ghost boo that will be posted on the front door.

 Gather the goodies in a bag or bucket and get ready for the drop off

 Quickly and quietly drop it off

 Leave it

 And run

Run as fast as you can before you get caught!

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Since we are in full swing for fall festivities it was time for some chocolate chip pumpkin muffins.  If you want some, you better hurry because we have been eating them for breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner and dessert.

 Begin by setting the mood.  Light the pumpkin scented candle {given by awesome neighbor in the boo bag}

 Gather supplies ahead of time so you don't get half way through and realize you are out of eggs.

 Here is the secret... the recipe does not call for chocolate and it's unusual for me to make anything with out chocolate so I add about "a cup" of chocolate chips.

Find children to help you consume the sweetness.

~Here's the recipe~

sift together in large bowl:

3 1/2 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon nutmeg

1 teaspoon allspice

1/2 teaspoon cloves

3 cups sugar

Mix together:

1 cup vegetable oil

4 eggs, beaten

2/3 cup water

2 cups pumpkin (1 pound can)

Add pumpkin mixture to flour mixture by hand or if using a mixer, do not over beat.

*Here is where I add the chocolate chips*

Pour into greased muffin tins

Bake at 350* for 25-30 minutes